Bloggers Against Gratuitous Spooge

Spooge -- it just ain't cool.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Spooge: Not Just for Dinner Anymore

This isn't necessarily a post about spooge, although I did have quite a bit of same all over my upper abdominal area last night before it was graciously mopped up by my new "friend" with his t-shirt.

What did that t-shirt ever do to him?

He was concerned that those suckers could swim. I don't think they'll be going much of anywhere, though, considering his advancing age and pretty regular herbal gerbalism. Like a friend of mine who couldn't manage to impregnate his wife, his swim team is probably more than a little confused. Dude was told they had something something lack of motility, i.e. they were swimmin' in circles. Duuuuude, Where's My Ovum?...was that a Fallopian tube? No, dude, it's your ball sack. Wrong way, duuude.

OK, so this wasn't supposed to be a post about spooge. It was supposed to be about my attempt at dating again, after 5 or so years of hanging on, tick-like, to a mostly disinterested party who still makes me dinner, and does my laundry, in return for ?!!? Freakin' bizarre. But I will say it's been refreshing to have him around after being wanted only for sex. It's just a little disconcerting to go from that to being wanted for everything but. I mean, it's not the whole enchilada, sex. But it's, like, the cheese, or something - and, like enchiladas, I'd like it to be a more or less regular part of my life.

Only trouble is, I'm a bit rusty in the ways of spooge, or at least their somewhat gracious hosts. It's taken the better part of a month just to wrap my head around even entertaining the thought of exciting and new spooge entering my...uh, life.

Among my many concerns:

-Will he be too big?
-Will he be too small?
-Will I be too big?
-What if that Korean food I ate 2 days ago backfires?
-What if he's too fingerbangy and it makes me queef?!
-What if he doesn't like blow jobs?
-What if he only likes blow jobs?
-Will he try to suck my toes? I hate that.
-Does he have mood lighting?
-Does he have any lighting?!
-What if he wears black socks to bed?
-Will he play bad music and expect me to f@#! to it?!
-Is my poonstache too long/short/firecrotchy?
-Should I shave it off? He has claimed he is "tidy".
-Will I have to lick his balls? Are they "tidy"?
-Will he at least wash them?
-Will his breath smells like sour milk?
-Will I be able to beat a hasty retreat?
-What if he beats me to my hasty retreat, kicks my a** out on the street, and I'm left standing in the driveway wondering "wha' happen?"
And most importantly (and horrifyingly),
-Will I have to put my finger up his butt?!
-Even if not, does he want me to put my finger up his butt?!

I mean, there are worse things. Like he could want me to bend over and eat out of a trough while he f*$!s me from behind. (This is a new one on me, folks.)

Postscript: Not bad, not bad at all, with the exception of what Avatar calls some attempted illicit toe-banging. After, he did offer to make me macaroni and cheese, which is normally the key to this closet eater's heart, but what if it leads to "feeding"? Or whatever you call that kink?! What if he only wanted to make me dinner so he could spooge in it and whack off while I ate it, bent over a trough or no...?!

Oh, help.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Sperm bandit

Speaking of spooge-filled PreggoTwinkies, Avatar...I came...uh, across this while searching know.

Horror of horrors, it's a song!

Sperm Bandit was influenced by Dotun Adebayo’s book and documentary “Sperm Bandit” about the modern day phenomena of some women acquiring the sperm of a male partner unbeknown [sic] to the man for the purpose of pregnancy with no intention of any further requirements of the man…

I mean, I support father's rights as much as the next unknocked-up person, but do we have to sing about it...? And there's a dickumentary cockumentary documentary? I need to see this, but I'm afraid it might take place within the punanny of a spooge-filled sperm burglar.

Slap a glove on that puppy (and flush) or better yet, get a vasectomy, guys. And where the hell is that male birth-control pill?!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I'm horrible

I confess: every time I see a pregnant woman or a woman with kids, I think briefly about how much sticky, slimy, warm spooge she had to have just chillin' inside her vag for lengthy periods of time in order for it to happen.


Help! Spooge has done a hostile takeover on my blogroll...!

You never can trust that junk.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

That spoogy-clean feeling..

A particularly gross occurrence at my work lately - soft soap dispensers in the bathroom that usually give out a pink soapy stuff have been modified. Now they are stainless steel protrusions that ejaculate a stream of white goop into your hands.

Am I being oversensitive in not wanting to wash my hands with sperm? I think I might have to take my chances with the junkie infested public toilets nearby.

Thursday, March 10, 2005


So very wrong.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Jizz Gets in Your Eyes...

To the tune of "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" (by Kern and Harback for the musical "Roberta" in 1933!)

They, asked me how I knew,
My true love was true,
I of course replied, something here inside,
Can not be denied.

They, said some day you'll find,
All who love are blind,
When you heart's on fire, you must realize,
Jizz gets in your eyes.

So I chaffed them, and I gaily laughed,
To think they would doubt our love,
And yet today, my love has gone away,
I am without my love.

Now laughing friends deride,
Tears I cannot hide,
So I smile and say, when a lovely flame dies,
Jizz gets in your eyes,

Jizz gets in your eyes.

Put that in your jizz-pipe and smoke it.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Tenacious Spooge

If you haven’t seen the short films included on the Tenacious D DVD The Complete Masterworks, then you simply have no idea how outrageously gratuitous the use of spooge on film can be. Trust me, this one takes the cake.

... And then ices it with spooge.