Here's spooge in your eye.

Have you ever gotten it in your eye...?

I know a guy who shot it into his own ear. Don't ask. I think he was just young and inexperienced and didn't understand about spooge trajectories.

At least he wasn't alone at the time. Teenage males' spooge can reach such high velocity that it could be dangerous. You could put an eye out with that.

I did date a really vapid male model once. He imbibed a great deal of various substances. Sometimes he would take Ecstasy and call me at 4 a.m. I would be practically clawing at the door to escape by the time he was through with me. StoOpid male models.

Anyway, once "it" went up, and it didn't come down. Maybe it hit the ceiling?! We couldn't figure out where it went. Apparently, models are so dense, they can't even keep track of their own spooge.

My hypothesis is that maybe, due to DitzBoy's extremely high blood-alcohol content, his spooge just immediately evaporated.

Beware of spooge, my friends. Sometimes it can behave in an unpredictable manner.

Perhaps we should consider wearing protective goggles at all times.

Crusty, yucky edibles

Will condiment manufacturers ever invent a tasty topper that doesn't crust up at the edges while in your fridge? I hate that glob of dried spooge on my mustard. And I hate the runny yellow spooge that ejaculates onto the hot dog if you don't shake the living shit out of that fucker before you squeeze it.

Urban wildlife

Okay, so you've heard the expression that business ethics is similar to ratfucking? After today, I can officially say that no, business ethics is nothing like ratfucking, because as of today, I have seen rats fuck.

I know, I know. Scarring as it may be, I was walking through one of L.A.'s mysterious back-street alleys when I heard some royal squeakage and looked over -- there they were, going at it like a couple of porn stars on coke. And I think it's a pretty sad commentary on my state of affairs when rats are getting it on more frequently than I am. But at least my spooge isn't going anywhere it's not supposed to be.

In other spooge-related news, two active-duty U.S. Army soldiers were caught having sex at the Alamo. Talk about rockin' the casbah.

Don't spooge on the subway

This morning on the Metro, I was unable to look away as an older woman carefully picked her own ear spooge, looked at it, sniffed it, and then flipped it off her finger.

From now on, I will be much more careful about where I sit.

Not to mention the Mystery Spooge that has adhered itself to the ass of my favorite grey pants. No idea what it is, or where it came from...but the bus is highly suspect.

People should really keep their spooge to themselves, except in very intimate situations - and even then, for the good of the public health, they should keep it contained.

Wear a body condom.

This has been a Public Spooge Announcement.

German Spooge -- now with extra farvergnugen

Some guy in Berlin fell asleep in a porn shop's video booth, then set off the burglar alarm when he woke up in the middle of the night after the place had closed and tried to get out.

And yet, after reading that, the only thing I can think of is the scene from Clerks where Randal wonders about the average hourly pay of a jizz-mopper.

Biography

It started like this:

Pisser said:

"FACK. Now we've got spooging in cereal and ink cartridges? What next, squeeze mayonnaise?!"

To which I responded:

"OK, where do I sign up for the "Bloggers Against Gratuitous Spooge" club? It'd be worth the initiation alone."

And then Keith said:

"Avatar, where do I sign up for your organization? I see you've already come up with the easy-to-remember acronym "BAGS." Maybe I can contribute the tagline: "Spooge -- it just ain't cool."

Directives

For access to post anti-spooge rants, anecdotes, scientific findings, etc., please e-mail me: avatar_socalian AT hotmail DOT com.

Welcome!

Let the madness begin.